Today Was A Shit Day

I'll be okay tomorrow but this helps right now

People say that over time grief gets better, even easier.

Does it?

Is suicide grief different I’m wondering today?

It’s not the first time I’ve wondered it.

I mean I’ve had loved ones die throughout my life and that’s always been hard enough whether through illness or unexpected taken to soon kinds of loss.

But this suicide thing, I just don’t know.

The what if and why questions float in and out of my head when I’m least expecting them like ..

• in the middle of a movie

• while I’m waiting for a train

• while I’m doing a supermarket shop

• sat at the beach staring out at the sea.

• when I’m really fucking enjoying myself

Then there are the triggers …

• trains

• hearing a Depeche Mode song

• Kate Bush’s Babooshka

• National Lampoon’s Vacation

• Monopoly which I won’t be ever able to play again

• trains

I still watch the video that I have on my phone. The one where we were on a family holiday with our kids in Italy. Where he’s doing an impersonation of my son’s tortoise, Terry. The kids used to ask him over and over ‘ do it again, do it again!’

What went wrong?

No note, no letter to anyone.

I felt the urge to write something down today on what is my brother’s 53rd birthday.

Compelled almost.

Like if I write something every year on his birthday will I be able to see a pattern of where it gets easier to have lost him?

I wrote here last year about him on 17th August. It was all really raw, then.

His first birthday after ‘it’. The milestone hurdle we all had to climb like the first Christmas and the first Father’s Day my niece and nephew had to get through.

I can’t believe I did a voice over for that.

Here it is ..

It’s the one and only time I’ve let my voice loose on here so far. Funny that.

Is it? I don’t know.

I don’t know anything anymore.

Just when you think you understand life and the way it works, your only brother decides life is no longer for him.

Thanks for reading or scrolling by .. it’s ok either way. These words written down have helped me today. Maybe they might help someone else in some small way.

I hope they do ❤️‍🩹

Linking to Samaritans - ‘every lost life to suicide is a tragedy. Whatever you’re going through a Samaritan will face it with you.’